The Great Wisdom of Head Captain Yamamoto
by La Rosa del Desierto
Summary: A series of humorous/serious oneshots about the different relationships between the captains of the Gotei 13 and their lieutenants.


Head Captain Yamamoto stood at his balcony, gazing out over the Seireitei. The sky was clear, the sun glinting off the barracks housing his Gotei 13. Yamamoto closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. It was truly a peaceful day.

"Is there anything you require, Head Captain?"

Yamamoto did not need to turn his head to recognise the owner of the voice. "No, Lieutenant," he replied. "Thank you, you may even take the day off if you wish. There is nothing of importance that needs to be done here."

Lieutenant Sasakibe turned to go, but the sound of his captain speaking made him hesitate.

"Do you not think, Sasakibe, that we have achieved something truly great in forming the Gotei 13?"

The grey haired lieutenant did not need to think about the answer. "Always, Head Captain."

Yamamoto was silent for a moment. "I agree," he said quietly. "And the bonds that form between our squad members are by far some of the strongest I have seen. But do you know of the strongest bond that exists within the Seireitei?"

Sasakibe smiled, knowing exactly what he was getting at. "That which exists between captain and lieutenant, of course."

"Exactly, Lieutenant."

SQUAD TWO

"Omaeda!"

"Yes Captain!"

"I asked for those execution papers five minutes ago, and I still haven't received them. Where are they?"

"Sorry, Captain Soi Fong. The boys and I were in the middle of a game –"

"Gambling?"

"N- Well yes, Captain." Omaeda's voice got smaller and smaller as Soi Fong levelled the full force of her glare at him. "I'll get the papers right away, Captain."

Soi Fong turned to the members of the Punishment Force she had been training and took vicious pleasure in aiming a spinning kick at a large, lumpy mannequin that reminded her somewhat of her_ useless_ lieutenant.

SQUAD THREE

Gin Ichimaru sat at his desk and wondered.

He wondered whether or not he was allowed to have his feet propped up on his desk like that.

He wondered about the massive pile of paper he was currently resting his feet on and how long it would be before he was asked to stop sending it to the Head Captain in the form of little paper aeroplanes and boats.

But mostly, Gin Ichimaru just wondered how long it would take his lieutenant, Izuru Kira, to notice the note Gin had stuck to his back earlier saying, 'Whistle if you like cats!'

It had been rather random, but Gin had simply been in a random mood this morning. It had been quite amusing to see Izuru's face turn that particular shade of hot pink as he walked through the corridors of the other barracks on his errands, followed by a chorus of wolf-whistling. He'd deliberately sent him round to Squad Two's barracks the long way, just to get as many reactions as possible. But his main target was Captain Soi Fong.

Gin had followed behind at a distance, because he simply couldn't resist such an opportunity. He watched from the roof as Izuru walked into the 2nd Division, took one look at Soi Fong's expression and turned and walked right back out again, accompanied by a piercing whistle from Omaeda, as well as a sudden screech from Soi Fong demanding why Izuru was defiling Lady Yoruichi's image in such a disrespectful manner. His lieutenant had replied by apologising for any misunderstanding he had caused (still not having a clue what she was talking about) and shunpo-ed out of there as fast as he could.

Gin almost felt sorry for the guy.

He removed his feet from the thick pile of paper and set to his daily task of creating a fleet of ships and planes. He thought he might even name some of them.

SQUAD FOUR

Retsu Unohana was a kind, patient, caring woman. And that was why Isane Kotetsu felt she was incredibly privileged to have such a person as her captain.

Squad Four was always busy. There were always soul reapers with Hollow-induced injuries who needed taking care of. But under Captain Unohana's supervision they were able to handle the workload efficiently and with minimal stress.

Those soul reapers with injuries caused by other soul reapers were treated just as well and the squad members were always the friendliest of assistants. Yes, Isane mused, they were all _incredibly_ friendly with those soul reapers. _Especially_ with those from the Eleventh Division.

Isane, along with the rest of the squad, was incredibly grateful that Captain Zaraki had instructed his squad to be more careful. It had freed up almost an entire wing's worth of beds. (The Eleventh, when not fighting amongst each other, were often fighting people in other squads. Hence why the large number of beds.)

The lieutenant recalled the talk Captain Unohana had had with the large, fearsome captain. It had taken place in her office, and afterwards Captain Zaraki had emerged, same expression on his face as always. His miniature lieutenant, however, wore an expression of confusion mixed with – was that mild horror? Captain Unohana had emerged from her office with a motherly smile on her face that made it impossible for anyone to believe that she was the cause of Lieutenant Kusajishi's unease.

Isane smiled back and secretly wondered what in the world could have gone on in that office.

Yes, Captain Unohana was a… kind, patient, caring woman.

SQUAD FIVE

Had anyone asked her who she thought the best captain in the Gotei 13 was, Momo Hinamori would have without hesitation said her own: Captain Sosuke Aizen. Or perhaps her childhood friend, Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya.

But she was loyal to her captain, and so would probably choose him over Toshiro.

Her captain would often leave the office for some errand or another. Momo would ask if she could possibly take care of those errands for him, and he would reply that no, he didn't want to trouble her with such trifling matters.

And Momo would feel her heart swell, if that was even possible (already being in Captain Aizen's presence and all) and think the Fifth Division was by far the best with Captain Aizen at its head.

He was always so approachable, so friendly, with everyone. Without exception. Even Gin Ichimaru, that fox-faced Third Division Captain, was met with nothing but politeness from Captain Aizen and Momo just knew there was something plain _wrong_ about that man.

If there was one thing that bothered Momo about her captain, it would simply be that he didn't distinguish her from anyone else in his kindness. She was treated equally as nicely as everyone else.

But then she would berate herself for being ungrateful and dismiss these petty thoughts as if they'd never been. And she would reflect upon the fact that her captain, her idol, was the best man in the Gotei 13.

SQUAD SIX

It had not escaped Captain Byakuya Kuchiki's attention that his lieutenant, Renji Abarai, was a little afraid of him.

Not that he minded, of course. It meant that Renji was efficient and always on his toes, ready for the next assignment that came along. Plus with his attachment to Byakuya's sister Rukia, there was a risk that Renji would become inappropriately informal with him. And one had only to look at the Tenth Division to see what _that_ kind of relationship led to. It was a miracle if Lieutenant Matsumoto actually got _any_ paperwork done.

The noble flicked his stone-grey eyes at his Lieutenant, who was sitting with his head bowed over his desk, staring at the form in his hands with a vacant expression in his eyes.

Byakuya almost sighed, but stopped himself just in time. Maintaining a perfectly calm exterior, he spoke.

"Renji, I have some papers which need to be filled by Thirteenth Division Captain Ukitake. Please take them to him."

The red-head jumped up immediately. "Of course, Captain Kuchiki!"

As he took them from him, Byakuya met Renji's eyes and to his internal astonishment, his lieutenant smiled. Byakuya quirked an eyebrow and almost Senbonzakura-ed him for his informality but decided to let it slide. After all, he had just given his lieutenant a break, and he knew it.

For Renji's childhood friend and Byakuya's sister was in the Thirteenth, and Captain Kuchiki hadn't expressly told him to go straight to Ukitake and back. Thus Renji would be allowed to visit Rukia and have a breath of fresh air while he was at it.

Renji had gotten the clue. He wasn't a _complete_ idiot, contrary to popular belief. But if he became any more informal towards him, Byakuya would be forced to instil some more of that fear in him. Using Senbonzakura if necessary.

SQUAD SEVEN

Tetsuzaemon Iba knew how people talked about his captain behind his back, wondering what he could possibly have been hiding behind that helmet of his. But Iba didn't care. He was curious, but didn't really care. Once or twice, he had been tempted to follow through with his squad mates' suggestions and sneak a peek while Captain Komamura was asleep. But then he remembered how he didn't really care and stopped himself.

Because it wasn't the face that made the Captain. Take Captain Kurotsuchi or Captain Zaraki as examples. Fine leaders, both of them, but both had unusual appearances. In fact, ask for one captain in the Gotei 13 that looked 'normal' and people would find they couldn't find one.

Iba had had this very conversation with Shuuhei Hisagi of the Ninth Division.

"Head Captain Yamamoto," replied Shuuhei immediately after the question had been put to him, "Captain Soi Fong, Captain Ichimaru, Captain Unohana…"

"Too old," Iba replied, "Too short, too creepy, weird hairstyle."

Hisagi continued. "Captain Aizen, Captain Kuchiki, Captain Tousen, Captain Kyoraku, Captain Hitsugaya…"

"… I'll give you Captains Aizen and Tousen, but weird hairclips, weird hat and garments, bleached hair and short."

"Captain Ukitake," Hisagi finished.

"Again with the hair, and looks like a ghost," Iba had said frankly. Hisagi had rolled his eyes at him and left.

Iba was snapped out of his reverie when he noticed a hell butterfly coming towards him, a summons to his captain's office. What had he been thinking about, before he'd gotten side-tracked? Oh yeah. Captain Komamura was nothing if not a strong, authoritative captain, and as long as he was in charge, Lieutenant Tetsuzaemon Iba had no doubt that he was what made Squad Seven the best out of all of the Gotei 13.

SQUAD EIGHT

It was the best day for sunbathing, Captain Shunsui Kyoraku thought as he lounged on the roof of his barracks. It would be infinitely better if he was good and drunk right now. _Now where did I put my sake?_

The Head Captain hadn't issued any new orders and the Hollows were thankfully on the down low, so he'd left all the remaining paperwork to Nanao (as usual), and headed up to the roof.

It was early in the afternoon. Nanao would have finished everything by now. He'd instructed her to take the day off after everything was finished. He knew she was warming up to him, since she'd only glared at him and hit him with the pile of paperwork. Usually there would have been a kido involved.

His lieutenant had always been this way. Shunsui didn't know why.

Actually, he did, but it was just easier to deny the truth.

On his way up, he'd snatched off a leaf and stem of some ivy growing up the side of the barracks, and this is what he was chewing contemplatively as he stared up at the sky from under the brim of his hat.

He reckoned, with his superior captain's senses, that it was only a matter of time before Nanao Ise came to her senses and married him. Or at least admitted her undying love for him.

The woman of his dreams suddenly flash-stepped into existence at his feet, staring down at him with icy disdain. _Perhaps admitting undying love is a little ambitious_, thought Shunsui as he looked at her through a crack in his eyelids.

"Nanao," he said, "This ivy tastes a bit strange. It's stinging my tongue."

She swooped down and snatched it out of his mouth. "That's because it's poison ivy!" she snapped.

"Hmm," Shunsui said thoughtfully. "I didn't think of that. But you cared for me enough to take it out of my mouth, Nanao! You're the best." He ignored her denials.

SQUAD NINE

Lieutenant Shuuhei Hisagi had nothing but the ultimate respect for his captain. Captain Kaname Tousen had such a strong sense of justice that it was hard to find fault with any of his decisions, as they were always magnanimously fair.

And what Hisagi had found the most amazing was that Captain Tousen had achieved captaincy in the Gotei 13 – he was one of the most powerful soul reapers in the Soul Society – and he was blind.

He couldn't see yet he was one of the most respected captains, not counting Captain Aizen, of course, who was basically universally loved. Shuuhei's hope was that one day he'd be able to command such respect from his subordinates. He trained with that goal in mind.

Of course, it didn't help that Yumichika, 5th seat of Squad Eleven once sat at the side of the training grounds while Hisagi put his men through the motions and commented on how 'inelegant' or 'downright ugly' they all looked. All the way through the session.

Hisagi, still keeping his Aim For Life at the forefront of his mind, tried bodily throwing him out of the training grounds, and when that didn't work threatened to tell Lieutenant Kusajishi. Yumichika had gone so fast Shuuhei could have sworn he could see an outline of the man in the dust left behind.

And the best thing was, Captain Tousen had been looking on (figuratively) the entire time and as soon as Shuuhei noticed him the Captain had nodded, showing his approval. Shuuhei had smiled and knew that if his Captain had approved, then it was all right.

SQUAD TEN

Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya had nothing but the ultimate disrespect for his lieutenant. Rangiku lay on the sofa, one arm over her eyes. It didn't take a genius like Hitsugaya to know that she was hung over.

Like always.

She insisted that they had a love-hate relationship. He replied that if she lost the 'love' part she'd really have something there and that if she didn't finish her work _right now_ he'd ask the Head Captain to transfer her to Squad Twelve immediately.

She'd said that perhaps couples counselling would make him see things her way and he'd replied the only way he would see things _her_ way was if he got as drunk as she did on a Friday night. And then he'd said, no, that was not an invitation and to put that bottle of sake away _immediately_. And since when were they a couple?

_Then_ she'd winked knowingly and said that if they were Momo Hinamori would have something to say about it and Toshiro had cleared his throat angrily and glared at her icily.

That woman could get under his skin so easily. Perhaps _this_ was what they did at the Shinigami Women's Association?

Rangiku suddenly shot up, snapping him back to reality, and yelled, "I'm awake, Captain!"

"I'm aware. Now get back to work. If you do everything before two 'o' clock I'll give you the rest of the day off."

"But Captain! It's – there are _five minutes to two_!"

"Better get started."

Rangiku jumped to the task, but wasn't able to finish in time. So Hitsugaya sent the woman on an errand and internally despaired when she didn't come back until twenty minutes later.

"Where were you, Ran-" Hitsugaya looked up to see Rangiku smiling cheerfully at him. With a long-suffering sigh he leaned back in his chair. "What did you do now?"

"I finished all my work, Captain! Can I take the rest of the day off?"

"No."

"I thought you might say that, so… here!" With a flourish Rangiku brought out someone who'd been standing unnoticed behind her.

"Momo…" he began.

"Toshiro…" she said at the same time. "Why did Rangiku bring me here? I've a SWA meeting –"

"I'm not entirely sure, and you can go if you like. But I'll torture it out of her one way or another –" he broke off as he realised that she'd taken advantage of the situation to disappear. And he decided he'd torture her later, but for now… she could take the rest of the day off.

SQUAD ELEVEN

Yachiru Kusajishi observed the 3rd and 5th seat of her squad from her perch on her captain's shoulder with a finger in her mouth. Her Kenny was saying something about fighting… or sandwiches… it was kinda hard to concentrate.

The wind was blowing and the bells in Kenny's hair were tinkling. Also the sun was shining and it was reflecting quite brightly off Baldy's shiny head to the point where she couldn't actually see Baldy himself. Not that she was complaining.

"What do you think, Yachiru?" asked her captain suddenly.

Huh. Maybe she should have been listening more carefully. "Can we get some sandwiches from somewhere? I feel kinda hungry."

Baldy moved into Kenny's shadow just then, and she could see he was staring at her. As was Peacock standing beside him. Had she said something wrong?

Kenny laughed it off like always. She loved her Kenny. Everyone else was scared off by him for some reason. She didn't see what was so scary about his smile or his eye patch or his long jagged zanpakuto. Yachiru found them all quite fascinating. She used to play with his bells, but then she'd gotten bored… wait, why had no one moved yet? She was still hungry.

"Kenny? I'm still hungry."

"Hang on a minute, kid."

She could be patient. Baldy suddenly moved into the sunlight again, which reflected off his skull. It was so shiny and round… sort of like vanilla ice cream scoops…

Yachiru knew Kenny wouldn't mind if she decided to bite his 3rd seat. He never had before. That was something else she loved about him, she thought, as she clamped her teeth down on Ikkaku Madarame's head. She didn't know why Baldy suddenly felt the need to shout, "Extend, Hozukimaru!" but she was sure it was going to be okay. So long as Kenny was here.

SQUAD TWELVE

"There's been a spike of spiritual pressure from Eleventh Division Third Seat Ikkaku Madarame, Captain."

"Yes, Nemu, I can sense it. Didn't you know already? The Eleventh Division are always fighting, so this kind of pattern is not unusual. Now don't bother me unless it's something _important_."

"I apologise for the interruption, Master Mayuri."

Captain Kurotsuchi watched her go. Nemu was far from useless, but he still felt as if she was trying a little too hard to be helpful. Hmm. Perhaps he should have programmed her better.

Nevertheless, he thought with something akin to pride, Nemu was his best creation. Even Kisuke Urahara hadn't created anything to compare to her. And yes, he did refer to her as his daughter, but the DNA he had used from himself only ensured that she would have the strength of ability that he had, thus enabling her to achieve lieutenant status.

He would perhaps admit, only to himself, very, _very_ occasionally, that he did feel some familial connection to her, but only a smidgen, just the smallest – actually never mind. She was another one of his creations, that was all.

"Master Mayuri? Master Mayuri, would you like to go to the Fourth Division? You are not blinking."

He realised he'd been staring at Nemu, lost in his own thoughts. He shook himself and in his usual snappish tone replied, "I am fine, Nemu. Get back to work."

"Of course, Master Mayuri." The girl bowed and walked away.

_Yes_, thought Mayuri Kurotsuchi, _she is without a doubt my best creation_.

SQUAD THIRTEEN

Captain Jushiro Ukitake lay in his garden, feeling peaceful and relaxed. His illness had been bothering him lately, and he was glad for this break. He still felt wheezy, but so long as he wasn't coughing up blood everything was well.

Suddenly he was interrupted by the sounds of his 3rd seats, arguing nearby and sighed, hoping they weren't going to disturb him.

However, they stumbled through into the garden.

"I said _I'd_ tell him, Kiyone!"

"No, it's _my_ turn, Sentaro! You're such a bully!"

Then they both turned to Jushiro. "Captain!"

Ukitake sighed. In the old days his lieutenant, Kaien Shiba, would have put these two in their place effortlessly and the Captain wouldn't have been disturbed. But it was different now that Kaien had gone. There was no one else to take on these two young… loud ones. (Jushiro Ukitake was too polite even to _think_ the word 'morons'.)

He had been asked by many Captains as to why he hadn't promoted a lieutenant, and he'd never really given a straight answer. The truth was, he didn't know. Kaien's death had hit him hard, definitely, and he hadn't even seriously considered taking a new lieutenant, as in his mind there was no one who could be worthy of taking his role.

But perhaps it was time for him to move on. "What is it, Kiyone?" he asked, ignoring her smug look at Sentaro's glares.

"There's been a disturbance at the Eleventh Squad Barracks sir," the girl said.

Jushiro sighed, unknowingly mirroring the thoughts of the Twelfth Division Captain. "When_ isn't_ there a disturbance at the Eleventh Squad?"

"That's exactly what I said."

"No you didn't,_ I_ did!"

Just as Head Captain Yamamoto was about to turn away from the balcony, the sound of a distant explosion stopped him. He turned back to see the unmistakeable form of Kenpachi Zaraki leap out of what looked like the Twelfth Division, his tiny lieutenant thrown over a shoulder. Bizarrely, Kenpachi was laughing.

They were quite a long way away, but Yamamoto thought he could hear what they were shouting.

Kenpachi's growl echoed faintly throughout the Seireitei. "_There are no sandwiches there, Yachiru!"_

"_Well, can I at least eat Baldy?"_

"_No!"_

"_But Kenny –"_

The Head Captain was sure he must have heard wrong. How could anyone think there were sandwiches in Squad Twelve?

"_We'd better get out of here, Captain!"_

"_WHY, Ikkaku? And why have you released your zanpakuto?"_

"_Because Captain Kurotsuchi looks mad! And he's released his zanpakuto too!"_

Sure enough, a fourth figure leapt out of the smoking hole in the roof. _"Get back here, you destructive brat!"_

Yamamoto was silent a moment. Then he said, very calmly, "Sasakibe?"

"Yes, Head Captain?"

"Please find out whoever was responsible for this. I strongly suspect it is Lieutenant Kusajishi. If so, please deduct the cost of those repairs from her pay check."

"Of course, Head Captain."

His lieutenant flash-stepped away. Yamamoto watched the rooftop chase for a moment. Lieutenant Kusajishi was clinging to Captain Zaraki's back almost… protectively.

Yamamoto turned away with a small smile on his face, despite the situation. _Yes_, he thought, _the strongest – and truest - bonds in the Seireitei are the loyalty and trust between a captain and their lieutenant._

He very astutely ignored the sound of a second explosion, somehow again from the Twelfth Squad, and knew Sasakibe would sort it out soon.

FIN


End file.
